The Bald Woman's Blog: Part 32
Su attacks a pile of custard creams with a vengeance and shocks a delivery man with her bald head
Saturday, October 4:
Sometimes, like today, after the "chemo rage week" a great calm seems to settle over me, almost peaceful and serene. A moment of grace, perhaps?
I don't know exactly how you would describe it but technically its probably all that toxic substance finally retreating from the space where I normally keep my brain which Alan and I were trying to describe today, while I was searching for the tin of chickpeas which I only had in my hand a moment before!
We described it thus: my brain used to look like a collection of broccoli heads, now it is more like mashed potato. Honestly, we have become obsessed with food in this house!
Monday, October 6:
Everyone has gone back to work and college now. Alan had the whole week off last week to help out (!) but today I have the house back to myself and Laura is in college all day. Why is it, then, that I am sitting here writing this when there is so much to do?
Well, it's simple – I'm just knackered and depressed. I've hit a rare, but very low, spot and it's probably because there is no-one here that I have indulged in a few "it's not fair" tears!
It started off OK with me trying to clean the shower but that was 9am. It's now 11.30 and I've only just finished. It is SO frustrating that everything takes me three times as long and even if I pace myself I am permanently exhausted.
I wish that I was the type to accept this but somehow I have to keep trying to prove I can do it and even that makes me cross. I came to write it all down thinking that might help only to find the computer was having a panic attack and needed to close down – great!
While cleaning the toilet I have also discovered that there is a fault in the porcelain which has "crazed" the surface and that will need putting right.
Sorry. Too much information there, but honestly everything seems to be a struggle today. I wasn't able to clean very well last week because of "chemo madness/fatigue" and now, today, when I was looking forward to having the house to myself and getting on undisturbed I feel like a useless heap.
Now I've sorted out the computer and moaned a bit I feel better. I have to accept there will be days like this, when I feel "what is the point" and "do I want to keep going with this chemo?"
The answer of course is that I don't want to keep going with it. I don't want to keep filling my body with obnoxious liquids that are doing goodness know what to my insides and I don't want to spend days like this that seem like such a waste of time.
It is highly frustrating, annoying and it makes me want to open the window and scream very loudly indeed. Although quite what that would achieve I don't know – just showing off really, isn't it?
I didn't ask to have this cancer and frankly I don't think I deserved it either, but unlike other illnesses in life you are forced to fight off this one in the most barbaric way. The only consolation I can think of today is that at least there IS a way to fight it.
Not too many years ago it would have spelled a definite and horrible end to your life. Of course there is a choice – you don't have to fight it at all. Would that be an easy way out, perhaps? Just let fate take its course and tell yourself it was meant to be that way for you.
For me, that isn't an option. Even though today I want all this to stop I know that I will not let myself do that – just give up, because when all this is finished life WILL become more worthwhile once again – I know that.
I said at the beginning this wouldn't win – I will win and to win I have to play this ludicrous game, but today is a bad day – the worst day perhaps and I've written it down because if I'm having them so will others and it's no good pretending they don't/won't happen – they do.
Websites I have found useful:
Breast Cancer Care
Cancerhelp.org (the patient information website of Cancer Research UK)
Netdoctor.co.uk
Scarf Studio (scarfs and bandanas)
I was just about to delete all the ramblings above having self indulgently emptied my head of it all when the phone rang. I was half way through a packet of custard creams (I said it was bad day!). It was Lynn from work. She always rings to see how I am every few days and I was pleased to be able to sit down and talk for a while.
Somehow whenever I get these "dark"or "what if" moments my guardian angel steps in and here she was again! Lynn has some health problems of her own at the moment that have only recently come to light. Of course she was very worried about them and we talked for some time about life and the things it throws at you and how awful these "surprises" are.
It made me feel that my problems are nothing special and that other people all over the place are coping with much worse things that could turn out to be longer lasting than my cancer battle.
Also Alan emailed me to say that thousands of people are actually reading this blog and that cheered me up no end – perhaps I am helping someone somewhere, then?
So it is now the afternoon, I have put away the custard creams (reluctantly) and am going to viciously hoover the floor to work off those biscuits (punishment) and snap out of my trough of self pity.
Tuesday, October 7:
Alan is enjoying this "bald" thing a bit too much. He has taken to calling me names now like "bullet head" and saying things like "Yul be sorry." Kissing the top of my stubbly head and then spitting playfully!!!
There has been a payback, though – his new toy broke, (the Eko guitar) and has had to go back for repair, new machine heads (is that appropriate or what!) and will be away for a few days.
That's vintage for you, it may look good but there's always that unseen wear and tear and that will teach him to make fun of my head. Karma!!
This morning, very early, a delivery man peered into the kitchen window (that's his fault) and caught a bald headed woman in a very tatty dressing gown staring back at him.
I thought he was going to actually step back in amazement but instead he remained rooted with eyes the size of saucers – he was clearly in shock so I sent Alan out – it was his delivery anyway.
Now, I have got used to the bald look and both Alan and Laura are quite used to me watching telly with a nude head but it completely fazes other people. It's like it's rude or improper, I mean judging from his expression he might just as well have caught me with no clothes in – he seemed that shocked.
Anyway, I raced to have a look in the mirror, in case something awful had sprouted out the top of my head (you never know with that chemo!) and after a good hard look at the facts I summed myself up like this.
Your hairline makes your face shape, otherwise you're an egg head (like me)so without make up I actually look very masculine – a bit like an old queen really) and that Roman (oh all right) huge nose doesn't help and I was wearing the oldest, most decrepit, mismatched, buttoned dressing gown you can imagine.
I have got another one – the one I wore for my operation – but this is my comfort blanket. I can only assume that the poor man thought I was a man in a dressing gown and I suppose that might be a shock.
Alan laughed his head off until I told him that back at the depot that man is now going to tell all and sundry that Alan Candy lives with a bald cross-dresser!!!! Life gets better all the time!
Part 33 next week
Have you been affected by breast cancer? Would you like to comment on Su's blog? You can email your comments to her by clicking here
Missed any other parts of Su Candy's blog? Catch up on them all by clicking here
Email to a friend
Print this page
Looking for...
Featured advertisers
Jobs
Search for a job
Motors
Search for a car
Property
Search for a house
Weather for Luton
Friday 10 February 2012
Today
Sunny spells
Temperature: -6 C to 1 C
Wind Speed: 13 mph
Wind direction: South east
Tomorrow
Sunny spells
Temperature: -5 C to -1 C
Wind Speed: 7 mph
Wind direction: South east
