The Bald Woman's Blog: Part 34
Su takes the plunge and shaves her head, considers giving up chemo but finally gets back on track
Sunday, October 12:
I've shaved the stubble off my head! Sorry, but it was positively painful. Some patches had worn away and were shiny and smooth, but others were being far more stubborn and actually hurt when I tried to sleep, turning my head was painful and I got really really fed up with it so….out came the ladies' razor!
I can't mourn my hair loss, I'm finding it far too fascinating and I like the "smooth" look better now. I have lost the Velcro effect, but my scarves are staying put still and at least the world and its bits of tissue aren't sticking to my head!
In case you're wondering about the tissue it comes from under my pillow and obviously while I'm thrashing about in the night, creeps out and sticks to my head. It tickles, of course, and then I reach up to scratch the phantom on my head and that wakes me up because it hurts when you scratch a bald head!
Wednesday, October 15:
It hasn't been a good week. I have been far too tired to go anywhere and hard pushed to do anything in the house and it's chemo at the end of this week.
Now I'm not the "feel sorry for myself" kind of person and usually I'm very organised. I set myself tasks to do and if I achieve them then I am pleased, if I don't, at least I tried and had a goal to work to and my last thought is that there is always another day.
The trouble is that being fairly housebound tends to make you stir crazy, the weather isn't gardening-friendly and sometimes it's hard to feel motivated.
Laura is going through a very bad patch with her college work and is on the point of giving up and my energy levels are not coping well with this.
She needs constant support emotionally and physically with her work at the moment and even with this, feels that the world is not a good place. So all in all today I am feeling very down and I need reasons to keep going.
I want to give up chemo – no I really do – I cannot envisage coping like this for the next few months and I am so tempted to give in and take whatever fate has in store.
However, reason tells me that this feeling will not last and if I did that I will have failed myself and everyone around me. If the cancer were to return and I had not given it everything it deserved then that would be devastating and I would feel even worse than I do now.
Websites I have found useful:
Breast Cancer Care
Cancerhelp.org (the patient information website of Cancer Research UK)
Netdoctor.co.uk
Scarf Studio (scarfs and bandanas)
Laura needs more looking after than most teenagers do and if I gave in to all that it would leave her feeling that I had not tried enough and I am always telling her to try harder to overcome her problems so what kind of lesson would that be? I will go, unwillingly, but I know I must.
There were bright spots over the weekend. One particularly nice one was that my brother and his wife presented me with the most beautiful orchid. I have never owned anything as spectacular or exotic and it was a present for just helping him out with something on the internet.
He had also gone to a lot of trouble to find out some shed details for me and came bearing pamphlets. The orchid has pride of place in the hall and I talk to it every day (sad), so far so good, I'm hoping the cat doesn't see those lovely "pingy" types of ariel roots it produces! Fingers crossed.
Thursday, October 16:
Well, I went for the blood tests today because despite my awful depressive mood this week I feel I must carry on. You have to go for a blood test the day before chemo. That way they can tell if your kidneys are about to disintegrate or your liver has died from the effects of toxic fluids. It's my brain they should be testing!
Anyway, they phoned me this afternoon to say everything is fine and they are looking forward to seeing me tomorrow. Wish I could say the same!
My fingernails are turning black – very attractive! Apparently that's quite normal – it's about the only thing that is, then! I have had such an uncharacteristically bad week. It's really not like me to want to give up on anything, but also I am at my worst when I am tired – just ask Alan!
I can sleep, but feel that I haven't slept, my eyes feel like the sandman is constantly throwing sleep sand in them and my head is fuzzy. It's a bit like getting up after you've been ill with flu or something like that.
You think you are OK until you start to do something and then realise you're about as useful as a chocolate teapot! Don't mention chocolate either – it doesn't taste the same anymore and I haven't seriously eaten any for two or more weeks.
And...I've put on more weight! When I mentioned this to the nurse last time she said oh yes, you will, it's those steroids, you aren't supposed to lose weight, we want you to be fit and well – not ill and weak!
I suppose I had thought that one "benefit" might be I would emerge a svelte figure - ha! fat chance – no pun intended!
P.S. This week's letter comes from Meg. Again, thank you so much for writing to me. I would like to send thanks too to all you other ladies who have written in and said how much the blog has helped in one way or another. I am sorry I cannot respond to each one of you personally, but believe me I am grateful for all your good wishes and thoughts that have been sent my way! Please keep reading and keep me company.
Hello Su,
I'm so in awe of how brave you are and how you seem to be able to see the humour in this horrid time - I know this was all last year and I am praying that you've made a full recovery.
Please know that you have made an impact in so many lives and I think some partners who had no idea of what the other was going through are much more aware of the severity of the 'cure'. I lost a parent to cancer and have had more in my family who unfortunately didn't survive it. Please carry on fighting and I hope that you will win your 'war'.
Much love, you are in our thoughts and prayers.
Regards,
Meg
Part 35 next week
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Weather for Luton
Friday 10 February 2012
Today
Sunny spells
Temperature: -6 C to 1 C
Wind Speed: 13 mph
Wind direction: South east
Tomorrow
Sunny spells
Temperature: -5 C to -1 C
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