Thursday, October 9:

I have been zapped by a complete tsunami of fatigue. It was an almost sudden thing, like a punch in the chest. Standing by the computer with Laura on Tuesday afternoon I started to feel very strange indeed.

At first I thought it was just a bit of dizziness, there were flashing lights bursting here and there before my eyes – very pretty but extremely disconcerting – and pains in my chest, which I did find worrying!

It was enough to completely stop me in my tracks and make me literally sink to my knees, breathless and slightly sweaty and trying not to panic and/or frighten Laura. I lowered myself onto our newly-acquired bean bag, which luckily was literally just behind me, and sat for a moment trying to assimilate all this.

After a few minutes things started to return to normal, pains disappeared and lights dimmed, but I was completely unable to summon up any energy whatsoever. I had a small snack and drink – a little better, but still that awful bone weariness.

The hospital does warn you about tiredness and yes, I have been unable to do my usual things, having to pace small jobs in the house. The shopping has become an impossible task and Alan has to battle that one, sometimes with me in tow then at least, if he's with me, I can go and sit in the car if it all goes pear-shaped.

However, I could never have envisaged this kind of complete energy drain and still today I am completely empty. Any small job, dusting even, causes breathlessness and extreme fatigue and I have to stop and try again later.

The most sensible thing Laura said on Tuesday was that I must just stop and rest and would have to cancel my girlie evening with Hil. I phoned Hil immediately and I knew she would understand, but it was a blow. A blow to my freedom and independence, a restriction to my personal liberty and choices in life.

It is still a blow today when I really want to get some shopping in but I know that I cannot as feeling like this I will never get round Sainsbury's. On the rare times I am able to go, after 20 minutes I can feel the energy drain start and know I must get home otherwise someone will find me talking gibberish round the wine section, not a good look!

So today I am mad. I haven't got the energy to be raving mad, just mad in a depleted, defeated kind of way and the only reason I can accept it (and even that's not making it easy!), is the thought that all this is killing the cancer cells that might regenerate otherwise.

Every time I want to feel sorry for myself and sink into a puddle of self pity I imagine my insides "Kung Fu" fighting the invader. I will do as my body tells me and where I can rest I will – some things still have to be done, like taxi-ing Laura to and fro – but otherwise I think I must give in to these demands in order to win this battle.

How I used to hate those words "battling cancer", very over-used I used to think in my naivety but, it IS a battle. A daily fight to literally survive both mentally and physically and sometimes it really takes all you've got to get through that day. In fact it's not a battle, it's an overall war and it takes its toll!

Saturday, October 11:

I really can't believe how tired I've been this week. A bone tired, mind-numbing weariness that makes me feel like I'm made of lead. It actually takes all my efforts just to move around. Ever resourceful, I have decided to change tactics and being unable to do much housework have developed a "cheat's" strategy.

It goes like this. Dusting is easy as I'm not one for nick-nacks (far too practical for those) so keep all areas dusted on a regular basis, that way visitors cannot notice that you have failed to hoover the rugs.

Websites I have found useful:
Breast Cancer Care
Cancerhelp.org (the patient information website of Cancer Research UK)
Netdoctor.co.uk
Scarf Studio (scarfs and bandanas)

Floors can be mopped over with the dry duster – again very easy and you run the hoover (motor) with one of those "smell nice" thingies in the bag and after five minutes of purring away the house smells blossom fresh and everyone thinks you have been hard at work for hours. I might even keep this when I have recovered!

The other good thing about being this weary is that I have found a renewed interest in cooking. Now this is slightly dangerous with "chemo brain" but OK if you take it slowly and you can sit down while beating and stirring.

The kitchen and I have never been bed fellows, as anyone will tell you I am much better at whipping up wallpaper and stirring paint than I have ever been at culinary skills! However, this is a time for new beginnings and one thing I have at the moment is time and I want to use it wisely.

So far we have cracked the recycling thing after two weeks of walking around various parts of the house chanting "landfill", "compostible" and "grey bin waste". Alan has become positively anal about it all and can be seen "rubbish sorting" on a regularly boring basis and berating me for putting cardboard in the landfill! I have an excuse of course – no brain!

So. What have I produced that Jamie Oliver would be proud of? Well, everything has been started from scratch – no instant mixes here any more – and today I have just put on the Easy Cheesy Lentils to simmer – they were only slightly stuck to the bottom of my non-stick saucepans (new ones!), at the last look, I'm sure I can scrape that carefully off.

Also, in our new slow cooker, I have lain to rest some potato recipe that involves onions, potatoes and milk and they should be ready by Christmas. The last thing I put in the slow cooker – last week- I burnt!!! How can anyone burn anything in a slow cooker?!!

Yesterday was baking day. Last week I turned out a fairly passable cake (a microwave recipe) and several cooked puddings, all reasonably OK. Obviously the tiredness is to blame (!) as this week's offering is, chocolate rubber cake – with real chocolate all over it to try to disguise the flavour!

A crumble, which everyone spurned in favour of the rubber cake because they foolishly thought it would be delicious and some extremely small (I thought they would spread) oaty things, which you need at least six of to even taste.

Alan said the flavour of the cake was interesting – it was supposed to be chocolate – and I was forced to admit that I had no cocoa powder and had to use Cadbury's Drinking Chocolate powder. What! No, I honestly didn't realise it would make a difference – it's choccy flavour isn't it?

I am going to keep trying, if it's doing nothing else it is at least making the evenings more interesting. I was much more in my element yesterday when Cliff, my brother, came round to talk sheds.

We spent a really pleasant hour or so discussing the differences between tongue and groove, shiplap, mineral felting and the different type of insulations you can employ if we line it with fibreboard and what electrical fittings we could have, oh, it was so much more interesting than baking powder and seasonings!

PS I have received this lovely message from a reader that I'd like to share with you - thank you, so much, Linda:

Hi Su:
I look forward to your entry each week as I have been through all what you are experiencing at the moment.I sit nodding my head so much with a lot you are saying.

I kept a diary also and am now reading it bit by bit to a very young friend of ours who is also in this awful situation, she finds great comfort to know that her feelings are the same as so many of us.

When you refer about the housework i remember being horrified that through all my treatment, chemo and radiotherapy I had not cleaned the windows for a year and as you say anything you do attempt takes so long and tires you so much but you will get there!

I am unwell again now with some thing else completely different so have a dirty house all over again but fingers crossed in August when this latest treatment is over I will get strong again...and get a clean house again...and wonder why we worry so much about the little things.

Keep your chin up, Su, and keep writing...

Regards Linda Riches xx

Part 34 next week

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